For years I've heard so much and read about our "Inner Child" and how important it is to be in touch with that part of ourselves. I used to think that I had a healthy Inner Child or Little Kid because I knew how to play and be goofy. I reveled in my toys and declared myself a certified member of the Peter Pan Club----WRONG!
The problem with this mindset is that I "thought" I was in touch with my Little Kid self but I had never truly "felt" her. She was locked away deep within my inner dungeon. Whenever she would so much as ask for a crust of bread I would be so repulsed that I would just as soon have shipped her off to the far end of the universe.
Try as I would, I could not truly connect with this younger part of myself. After years of peeling and processing through the layers, the piece of my puzzle that I needed to quell this torment was finally revealed to me. As a teenager, I had wanted to do something to overcome the profoundly empty relationships which prevailed in my family. I tried to express how I felt and assert what I knew but without the foundation of a healthy, secure childhood, these efforts failed. I was furious with Little Holly.
Like so many young people who are traumatized and cannot piece the wounded parts of themself together, I buried my anger and grief and retreated into my head (where I deemed it was safe). I found that I could block out my deep emotional feelings and discomforts and control my life through my mental capacity. This surely is an unhealthy and unbalanced way to go through life but lacking the tools to comprehend the complexity and fragmentation of my wounding, I succumbed to this common dis-ease.
Realizing that Little H and Teenage H have been in mortal combat all these years is an amazing revelation. Putting past life and karmic issues aside, I've developed a three-way dialogue with my selves. Using my pendulum, I've ferreted out many of the stuck ideas and feelings in these elements of myself and have taken the time to explain to each one what has been going on with the others and made sure that they understand. This continues to be an ongoing process.
Finally, I am learning where much of the self-abandonment I have played out in this life has come from. I'm learning real heartfelt compassion and empathy for myself around the layers of repression and suppression that I've had to dig my way out of. Unraveling these inner mysteries is allowing me to perceive at a higher level, ease up on my self-judgment, and to create a more self-loving and nurturing relationship with myself.
It becomes more clear to me every day that expanding self-awareness leads to emotional disclosure and a much healthier state of being. Without an understanding and relationship with our "Inner Child" it's impossible to be emotionally healthy. And when we commit to a path of self-healing, balance and wholeness, we open to new levels of spiritual wisdom and allow magic and miracles to find us.
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